I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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