I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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