is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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