y did u give ur computer a hand job?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
