I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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