someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
