You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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