Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
