I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
