My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
