I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
