i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
