Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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