She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
