I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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