the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
