You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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