Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
