i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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