Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
