I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
