hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
