I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
