if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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