oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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