She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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