i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You dont lie about slip and slides
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Randomize
