Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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