never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
