I just pynch a tree in the face
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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