i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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