You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
