We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Vodka?
Forever.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
