I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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