So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Is it penis luge time yet?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize