So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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