She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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