My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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