i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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