Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Randomize
