Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Fuck appropriateness.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
