Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
