he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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