then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
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