Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
