chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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