Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
