i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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