you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize