Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Be still, my beating vagina.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
