He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
