I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize