Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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