I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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