I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
