The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need a burrito and a hug.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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