she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
