Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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