sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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