Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
