I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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