He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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