I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
