remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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