nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
